If that title isn’t the heaviest thing in the room right now – How to Heal from Abuse

First, and foremost, I am writing my own story. I am not here offering personal advice about your own problems. However, I am here to share with hopes any amount of gleaning from me is beneficial. No one likes the word abuse. I still hesitate at times to say it. It’s like, maybe if I whisper it, it’ll be easier.

I will never be healed completely until I meet my Savior. With that, I do believe healing, in any form, is a crucial, integral part of life. Not only am I writing this as I feel led to share another life update (see all Life Updates HERE), but also because there is much amiss in the idea of abuse. *Consider this a warning that my writing has potential to be triggering to some.

WHAT IS ABUSE

For those of you ready to click off this post and shove this away… STOP.

I am you. I was the one passing judgment on others from my entrenched mind. Primarily I stuck to the casual idea that abuse was only of the physical kind while full-on knowing mental, emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual abuse is REAL. The odd thing is, I didn’t think that is me or my circumstances.

WHY. Why didn’t I think that is me?

First, here’s a definition of abuse¹:

That alone is lacking, don’t you think? Notice what you don’t see.

What about covert abuse? As I mention in my past posts (see link above for Life Updates), at 45 years of age and after hitting the walls of all walls in my marriage, God showed me my biological parent is a “Christian” covert narcissist (this link has materials references for help).

{{mic drop}}

PROCESSING

While I’ve already spent time touching on that subject initially, it’s time for me to share more on how to heal from abuse because there is far too much that needs to be taught, learned, and shared.

I am not alone.

Truthfully, if I was to sit you down and share my entire life stories with you, you’d be blown away.

It’s all I knew.

How would I even have the opportunity to know anything else? And writing this to you my anxiety causes my vertigo to increase, and I expect I will have a few days of necessary recovery as I process my writing this post. The more I understand and work thru, the clearer my vision becomes.

Each person will process a traumatic event differently. Not only are we not wired all the same but also have different experiences.

For instance, maybe, like me, you were the Scapegoat², the Invisible Child, etc. (interchangeable assigned roles to children of a narcissist). That comes with a different load than say, The Golden Child (which has its own horrible consequences)

Were you told your entire life, “You’re too sensitive” while narc parent tells any and everyone who will listen that, “She was such a sensitive child. All I had to do was look at her wrong and she would start to cry”.

This coming from the one person you innately trusted that was supposed to have an undying love for you.

I’m at the point now that I understand. A narcissist is formed for many reasons. Did that person choose the deficits in their brain? No. No different than my autistic children chose their differences from birth. However, narcs choose to live in the evil.

Does it make it easier. NO.

BE REAL

It’s the hard, cold facts and I have choices.

As I began to process my entire life starting nearly two years ago, I choose to purge. Beginning with stuff, I began to give away or get rid of things that had a negative meaning to me.

Truckload after truckload of clothes, wares… STUFF.

Things that bring pain with the memories attached to them. I did this during my separation with current divorce, and now time for my entire life to purge.

In going through EVERY.LITTLE.THING I encounter my childhood diary. The one and only diary I kept and hid for many decades.

You see, about two years ago I chose to sit down and read that diary knowing it would hurt. As a child, I would write in it after each day for a period from late grade school to high school. When writing my entries, I made sure to encrypt my messages because I couldn’t tell the truth in fear someone would read them.

I read for little Larissa to heal.

Also, as I read, I relive the moments of pain with little to no joy in between. Not pain as your typical abuse is defined, the mental, emotional, deep-seated pain.

I hid the true Larissa for so long.

Then, once I finish reading, I decide to burn each page with one exception. I kept this note tucked in the pages to remind myself… my narc parent actually put in writing I am not stupid.

I had evidence. Originally to remind myself of their words, now to affirm.

You see, I keep this because GASLIGHTING IS REAL

I’m not just talking about where someone is gaslighting you, but rather gaslighting yourself.

“It wasn’t that bad”

“She/He is your mother/father”

“Maybe you’re remembering it wrong?”

THOUGHTS

“Invisibility isn’t always about being overlooked—it’s a survival skill carved into your bones by necessity. If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, you know this intimately, you learnt to dissolve. To mute your needs, to flatten your voice into a whisper, to turn your laughter into something digestible. You became a ghost in your own life because her chaos demanded all the oxygen, her drama all the space.

They called you “easygoing,” but it wasn’t a compliment. It was the residue of a child who learnt that “too much” meant punishment—that asking for help invited scorn, that joy was a liability, and that existing loudly risked annihilation. So, you hollowed yourself out, brick by brick, until even you couldn’t find the edges of who you were.

Your silence wasn’t peace. It was a war. A war to survive in a home where love was conditional, where your worth was measured by how little you demanded. You didn’t disappear because you wanted to—you disappeared because she needed you to.
Healing begins when you realise safety no longer requires erasure. You’re allowed to take up space – to need, to want, to say “I’m here” without apology. Reclaiming yourself isn’t rebellion—it’s resurrection.

To every woman rebuilding her voice from the ashes of their expectations- Your visibility is a revolution.”
~ The Narcissist’s Daughter³

TAKE STEPS

Take steps. Both figuratively and physically. Taking steps to understand yourself, to research, to ask questions to let yourself be YOU is viable.

While at the same time, taking time to take care of yourself is HUGE on how to heal from abuse. Just now I literally got up from my desk and went on a 2-mile run in a misty rain with Loula. {{deep breath}}

If you are questioning yourself, just keep asking questions.

WRITE IT ALL DOWN.

By writing it down, you can return to those crucial memories and know that you didn’t make it up. Say the things you would say to that abusive person in written form and then burn it.

Getting it out helps how to heal from abuse.

For me, I exercise by walking miles daily, lifting weights and training. In the middle of a heavy lift load, I will be straining and then I burst into tears. It’s not as often as it used to be, not even weekly. But when it happens, I have release from the trauma. That’s how to heal from abuse.

I also sing, dance, create, cook/bake, and pray. Spend time with healthy people who let you be you.

It only takes a scent, a word, a picture, a song to bring triggers. When that happens, I take a minute to write in in my “Revelation” catalog of all the events as I remember them. If I tend to go what I refer to as “next level” with palpitations or vertigo, I practice breathing.

However, what I don’t do is bottle it up.

Not everyone will understand.

Let your body feel, your brain release. I’ve mentioned many times how our bodies keep the score.⁴

BODY SIGNS

Listen to your body. I believe it tell us more than our cognitive selves allow. For instance, allow yourself to hear what your body is telling you. I was trained to be supply for an unhealthy person. I learned to slap on a smile and take care of other’s needs before my own.

It takes a toll.

Thankfully, I’m not at the point where I can recognize every time when my trauma is either being triggered or my body knows more than I do. As damning as the vertigo is, it lets me know to get away. At the same point, I work with it.

Maybe you get sweaty palms, your start to tip your head, or twist your hair. Pay attention to your body signs and allow yourself to process it.

By holding it in, or talking to that person you know is toxic, or saying yes when you really mean no is NO GOOD.⁵

Folks, my body began to shut down not only from my toxic upbringing, but my neurodiverse marriage. I lost babies, I met death in the face while in ICU for two weeks while pregnant, I was told I was having strokes without conclusive evidence, I have vertigo after traumatic events. At night, I grind my teeth, I wake releasing trauma in the middle of the night (thankfully I don’t do it near as often anymore).

Not only that, but I’ve learned that as an ACoN (Adult Child of a Narcissist), I have a very high pain tolerance. I ignore times when I should be getting help. This is a common trait among survivors as well as C-PTSD that I suffer from.

My body speaks LOUD AND CLEAR.

I just need to listen.

STORYTELLING

I share a specific story in my video of how this is a theme in my life.

Also, seek help. I share endless sources in my previous posts as well as trained folk. Mind you, in my case, I search out someone proficient with narcissistic parental behavior as well as neurodivergence relationships.

BOUNDARIES AND LIMITATIONS

Yes, the terms abuse and boundaries are considered “overused” by today’s norms and have become casual. However, these are real terms needed by real people and are effective when applied properly on how to heal from abuse.

While working through my trauma I know have instantly become cognizant of when my boundaries are violated.

When I have stated and made known my boundaries, I will not allow a certain behavior, nor will I allow anyone to speak down to me or put me in a position of not honoring myself.

Maybe you need to go no contact like I have. Or maybe once you have taken steps to understand yourself and allow processing you can handle being around the abusive person.

It is NORMAL to stay away from toxic people.

Use the word NO and learn how to gray rock.⁶

Unfortunately, but fortunately, I have actually gone no contact with more than one person and all their flying monkeys⁹. You see, once I start understanding myself a couple years ago and my eyes open to people, I found I was a “magnet” to narcs.

They were in every facet of my life. “FRIENDS”, FAMILY, PROFESSIONALS.

Does that sound extreme? I share more about this in my video above if you’d like to know more.

ALLOWING ME TO BE ME

While I could go on, and I will in the future, I want to leave you with a few thoughts.

I’ve learned I:

• have radically accepted my lot in life
• am hypervigilant – always aware of others, my surroundings, to protect myself
• overshare when I encounter someone who will listen
• ruminate – play conversations over and over and critique myself on them
• shake when I recount past experiences or EVEN LISTEN to someone telling me theirs
• suffer from C-PTSD⁷
• have hyper empathy
• say “I’m sorry” perpetually – or at least I used to
• need to reparent little Larissa
• allow myself to grieve
• work hard and have guilt from resting
• am reliable and mean what I say
• a daughter of the King of Kings
• am fearfully and wonderfully made
• matter more to God than my marriage (am divorced)

Meanwhile, I also know I have work to do on how to heal from abuse. I have days of relief and deep days of just needing to exist.

EXPECTATIONS

That’s a hard one.

While it’s healthy to challenge yourself, set expectations that allow you to flex. For instance, I’ve made mention in past posts that I struggle with not doing.

Guilt ensues. I can sit and watch a movie with my kids, but alone… nope. I had to work at it.

Sounds silly, right?

I would daydream about laying on the couch with a fun move all by myself… to just be. However, when time came when the kids were at their dad’s, I couldn’t.

First, I would take my laptop and work while watching.

Then, little by little I didn’t need that “crutch” any longer.

Another example is I LOVE to layout and feel the sun on my skin. For decades, I never did because of the guilt that I can’t do this, I need to be doing.

In the last three years, I treat myself daily, if possible, for twenty minutes. That’s it.

To think I had such unrest for so long is excruciatingly sad.

It wasn’t just my narc parent instilling that, but also the relationship with my spouse with had narc traits though he didn’t know it.

Allow yourself time. LOTS OF IT.

How to heal from abuse comes at its own pace.

ONE STEP AT A TIME

The changes I’m making and have made are ENORMOUS. Not everyone likes the new me and I DON’T CARE.

I’ve spent 47 years of my life living under abuse and I will not live like that any longer.¹⁰

My superpower is reading people with insane accuracy to avoid landmines.

BE THE ONE that listens to someone’s story without diminishing their reality.

Survivors can’t just “move on” or “let it go”. It’s laced into our being.

Lies are told about me to family and anyone who will listen. The same happens to anyone caught in the abuser’s web.

I found who my true friends and family are.

I love ME.

One day I will receive a resounding applause and be embraced by my ever-loving Heavenly Father with a promise of no more pain, no more suffering, no FEAR.

I hope to see you there.

SHARE

How to heal from abuse is a never-ending journey. As for me, I’m making all effort to do what I can to stop this generational path. Please feel free to share how you found healing in comments but remember this is a public post. Also, feel free to email me privately as I will never share your information with anyone.

Additionally, I’m discussing a different kind of abuse in my next post. Subscribe for my FREE newsletter to join my family and receive updates.

Pin to reach those needing to hear they’re not alone.

1. Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of abuse
2. The Scapegoat Child’s Role & Symptoms in Narcissistic Abuse
3. The Narcissist’s Daughter
4. The Body Keeps the Score
5. Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Transforming Pain into Power
6. What is the Gray Rock Method and Is it Effective?
7. PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse
8. Hyper-Empathy – Is there such a thing as too much empathy?
9. What the term ‘Flying Monkey’ Means
10. Narcissistic Parents – The Signs

Until next time.

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