It’s not often that many choose to address topics like this. For obvious reasons, right? But it’s real to discuss how past abuse affects relationships.
All relationships – romantic, friends, business… you get the idea.
In my previous post, I discuss how to heal from abuse as I know it from my own experience. (see all Life Updates HERE)
Today, however, I want to continue on the thought of healing as well as taking a deep dive into ramifications.
Shall we dig in?
BEGINNING
Actually, I want to take a second to thank all of you that feel confident to reach out and share their stories with me. I feel heard.
I HATE that anyone knows what living with abuse is like.
First, I am only here, again, to share my understanding based on my own experiences with the goal that you or someone you know can glean.
Honestly, it’s extremely hard that I even have this to share with you. It was not my choice to have this be my life, and yet, I KNOW God will use it for good.
So, following His lead that I share, I want to step into this with an open heart.
You see, after a 30-year relationship with my former husband (I hate the word “ex”) I am overloaded with reflection.
How can I not be?
I will start with you understanding that what I’m about to share goes both ways.
BOTH of us suffer from abuse.
Neither one of us has healthy family of origins. What is more, neither of us knew autism was even a possibility.
Had we known about the neurodivergence things may have turned out differently.
But they didn’t.
We can make choices in our lives to learn from our mistakes and be the healthiest version. When others won’t make effort to learn and grow, then we move on.
HOT MESS
He married an undiagnosed child of a narcissist parent, while I married an undiagnosed autistic man. That’s a lethal combo.
WHY?
My baggage comes with extreme need to be affirmed (trauma bond trained) and his is a life desire of independence and lack of emotional maturity – just like my narcissist parent.
No wonder my dreams were never listened to, why I felt insanely alone ALL.THE.TIME. Why I craved to be cherished while he had no need. Also, why I was drawn to him in the first place – I had to fight for attention, just like with my narcissist parent.
For him, his reality was mine. If he felt a certain way, then I did too. He didn’t need to have me ask about his day and since he already told me a month ago, he loved me, he didn’t need to say it again.
I just kept trying harder and harder and HARDER.
Isn’t that like a narcissist? It’s all about them and their needs to preserve their need for self to be the mightiest while they battle an enormous self-esteem monster. And they also have the emotional maturity mean age of 6-8 years of age¹ – just like autistic folk².
Though, I discuss why it isn’t the same in my past post HERE.
RECOGNIZING
I knew he was wired different, but I didn’t understand how. Sadly, in some ways I was abusive to him as I expected “normal” interactions. Did I mean to be? Did he mean to be? NO.
Autism, even in my children, is so vast of a spectrum. While I innately cued in to his ways and making adaptations (and those of my children), I just kept trying harder and harder. I lost Larissa.
Honestly, at this point I could write an encyclopedia set on what I’ve learned in the last few years about autism and narcissism.
They key is for me to understand myself. To be willing to go to the dark corners.
When I first wrote about my neurodiverse marriage, one reader sent an email explaining she was in a similar situation in her marriage (spouse is autistic). In our discussions back-and-forth, she asked me if I would seek out a neurotypical man.
Umm…
Not only had I just divorced weeks before, but I was also struck.
First, there is no such thing as “neurotypical” to me. Second, I am NOT HEALTHY to be in a relationship with anyone.
While I had boundaries, they were weak in most instances.
I people-please, I enable and trauma bonded trained. I need work.
The past doesn’t need to rule my future, but I am a fool to think I wouldn’t get sucked back in to a similar situation.
I WAS an abuse magnet. But not anymore.
Just ask the ladies in my divorce support group how many of them go straight into relationships over and over and are in PAIN.
You have to do the work.
Learn about you.
Watch my vlog below for more.
HOW?
Take a step back and evaluate yourself.
The fact that you may not have always been the best self doesn’t mean you’ve lost the right to set boundaries or end a relationship.
Especially if you compromise your safety, your healing, YOU.
What makes you happy? Do you feel your person exists? Mine didn’t.
There are endless sources of help. To start, I recommend Leslie Vernick (mainly geared to women) and Jimmy on Relationships. Depending on your situation there are other resources, and you can see some of them HERE at the bottom of each post as well as this one.
OTHER RELATIONSHIPS
Just to be clear, the topic how past abuse affects relationships is limited to marriage or intimate relationships.
I surrounded myself with narcissists. Over and over again, I’ve cut off toxic people that used me for supply.
How did I know?
I let them do the talking, if you will. Who is the one that offers their person for me to be my own person?
Am I doing all the care and attention. Are they manipulating me to be supply for them?
One “friend” would purposely bring up painful things to watch me suffer, shared nothing of her own, and then told be boldface that, “God chooses some to live a life of pain and suffering. And that’s you.” And she claims to be a “Christian”.
WHAT??
Once I began to learn the red flags, I felt like I walked into an amusement park donned with red flags while I’m on the roller coaster and the narc at the controls.
I’m off that ride for good.
Another “friend” violated my boundaries endlessly, shared my private pain with others, and blatantly discarded me regularly while also claiming to be a “Christian”.
Obviously, my circle of true friends has shrunk.
I hard-core test the waters now before I will let anyone be close to me. And that’s okay.
I let them show me who they really are.
The crazy thing is that now I can smell toxic a mile away.
Once you get it, you’ll see them in your circle of friends, your workplaces, your church, and more.
It’s liberating.
And, at the same time, it makes one want to move to a deserted island.
PATIENCE
Finally, what I can say is that I am on this path for the rest of my life.
That is undeniably sad.
However, what is worse is if I did NOTHING to change.
Does this sound like you? You need relationships.
We all do.
Are you in touch with your own flaws and wants?
It’s time to do a self-check. See how past abuse affects relationships in your own life.
I’m patting myself on the back for getting a grip on the hot mess I am. To be the best doggone Larissa there is. And I’m teaching my children to do the same. They are eager to learn to avoid the pitfalls I have to overcome.
Yes, they’ll have their own trials, but it won’t be because they weren’t learning how to live the best life.
SHARE
Last, maybe this resonates with you or maybe it brings to mind someone who doesn’t like to use the “a” word (abuse) but is in that exact situation. Feel free to email or reach out in comments. Just keep in mind this is a public post. Likewise, share to reach others who need it most. And I would love to hear from you what you’ve learned how past abuse affects relationships and what you’ve learned about yourself that makes for a healthy person to be in a relationship with.
Before you go, be sure to sign up for my FREE newsletter. Until next time!
FOOTNOTES
Also, additional references and resources:
- Mel Robbins – personal growth expert
- Dr. Meg Haworth – holistic wellness for narcissistic abuse survivors, including how your childhood directly affects your adult health and how to heal.
- Proverbs 31 Ministries by Lysa TerKeurst
- Flying Free by Natalie Hoffman – support for women in abusive relationships
While you’re at it, here are more posts related to how past abuse affects relationships:
I never really used to look at my life as seasons, but; more recently I do. Cycles of every type of weather imaginable-perhaps it’s why the regenerative nature of spring is now my favorite. I feel as though I am at another crossroads of life as far as friendships go. I also feel like the fake and frivolous things are being sifted. Change isn’t so scary anymore.
It is sad and maddening but also a sort of comfort when you realize there are others, that while they may not understand the full weight of the abuse you suffered they are the wink or nod of recognition-the notice of visibility in the life of invisible darkness you’ve always walked.
Again I admire the strength you’ve shown and the vulnerability.
I can totally relate as that how I often look at my life in past. Currently, I’m down to bare bones with my mindset and I love it. Your words “fake” and “frivolous” are apt.
And yes, you’re so right. What makes it hard is not I see it in others in a different way. So many suffering and my empathetic self has new information to be there for others.
You are doing so well and have already come so far!!! I’m soooo happy when I see all the positive changes you are making. As I healed from abuse and then the death of my husband, I realized there are parallels in the two. We grieve for both. Obviously for the loss of a loved one, but as abuse victims we also grieve for the life and relationships we needed and were denied. It’s hard not to think that we were at fault or not worthy of love. But, WE are worthy and we did not create the atmosphere of abuse we were thrust into. Looking at the stages of grief helped me to see where I was on the healing path. You are such an inspiring woman on so many levels and I just KNOW you’ll find that happy, safe place in yourself and life. ❤️
You are so right. That’s why I’m discussing today what each person brings into a relationship. So often, many focus on the “offending” party and these last few years I’ve shared how I’ve not only learned about myself, but my spouse, my children, my parents, my siblings, etc. I have happy in bits from different joys and true happy will be when I’m in heaven. 🙂 Thank you for sharing how you owned your part.
You are brave and strong, keep growing and healing, Larissa. I do think it is important to look at ourselves and why we end up in the same kind of relationships. I had a narcissistic father. Compliments were few and far between, but suggestions for improvement were plentiful! For example, I got my master’s degree while working fulltime as a teacher, pregnant and then with an infant, plus 2 stepchildren. My dad said, “Congratulations. when are you going to get your doctorate?” I craved his compliments! I can totally relate to your need for affirmations! I ended up in 3 different relationships with the same kind of man; controlling and manipulative. Those charming men seek out my nurturing. I’ve been happily single for 20 years now. I am a wonderful parent, friend, colleague, neighbor, and contribute to my community. I am worthy just as I am.
Thank you. Though, I just want to stop being brave and strong and be normal. 😉 My goal today was to wake people up to their own contributions to a relationship and how we affect others. It sounds like your dad was very much like my family. As the Invisible Child, I can never do enough… always in the shadows and not important. I’ve known that forever, just now know why. YOU ARE WORTHY. One of my favorite songs by Blanca – Worthy.