Going no contact.
Heavy, hard words that many are considering, others simplify too much, and still others will never understand.
If this is something you are experiencing, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I’m sharing my story in hopes to help those contemplating this path while also providing a glimpse into a life that no one plans for nor deserves. Plus, I’ll discuss how to prepare and what happens when you make the decision.
Just know you only got to this point not because you don’t care, but because you’ve cared so much that it is detrimental to your well-being and health.
Going no contact has ramifications in present and also future and prayerfully considering all the aspects is well advised.
*I am not a professional in any form but am sharing my own story and what I’ve learned with resources linked where necessary.
MY STORY
While I deeply wish I didn’t have a “story” to share with you, I feel that God uses all things to His glory and feel led to dive into this part of surviving a narcissist and moving through healing.
In case you’re new here, I invite you to first take a few minutes to read my Life Updates HERE. This will give you a better picture of where I’m at currently and may answer questions you have.
For me, unfortunately, this involves going no contact with family AND “friends”. However, do know that this can become necessary with coworkers, etc.
Abuse is ABUSE in any form.
You don’t need a thicker skin; you need boundaries that honor your person.
This vlog below offers a discussion in part as I feel that explaining “face to face” give more insight that in text form only.
PREPARING
First, DO NOT tell them.
Do not spend a single breath on telling the narcissist you’re going no contact.
What’s better is to create a plan.
It’s more than just protecting yourself from the abuser but also creating a space where you can thrive. Additionally, it’s not about punishing the narcissist or the family (if that’s the case) but rather self-care.
You are not responsible for how they feel about the break in the dynamic. YOUR SURVIVAL is the reason for this step.
Build up support for when you go no contact. Find groups, enroll in therapy, or also build a network of truly supportive friends.
Show UP and be active in healthy relationships to avoid deafening isolation. While you think isolation is SAFE, it’s actually another false security that is a result of abuse. We need connection for healthy living.
Likewise, if you’re an ACon (Adult Child of a Narcissist) TRUST is lacking (reciprocity) and in adulthood can be somewhat difficult, especially to understand that those relationships are worth the effort. That, mainly, because you learned that putting in 1000% of yourself meant you receive nothing in return may mean you keep people out.
And now, you’re trying to learn how to trust and get a feel for the give-and-take of a healthy relationship.
It can seem daunting.
I GET IT.
DURING
“Why did the narcissist cross the road?”
Because they thought it was a boundary.
Funny, not funny but OH SO TRUE.
You’re exposing the family dysfunction, and the narcissist (as well as flying monkeys) will do anything to bring the family back to “normal” as they see it.
Your new boundaries are revealing your choice to be respected rather than reactive to their abusive tactics.
Here’s what tricks they’ll use on you once you go no contact:
- scapegoating – must be the person going no contact’s fault for the disruption, so the narcissist punishes you to get you back
- love bombing – just as it sounds… love you back into the family (gifts, money, favors)
- threatening – “if you don’t do this…” you can lose inheritance, for example
- shaming – telling others the awfulness you’re doing, the narcissist doesn’t respond to “no” or boundaries and often include employing the use flying monkeys
- triangulation – using others against you and creating a narrative that others believe by rewriting the story
- deception – lie about what you’ve said or what circumstances caused going no contact often telling on themselves
- gas-lighting – “it never happened that way. Let me tell you how it really is…” manipulating the reality to benefit their story
Feeling immense guilt, shame, anxiety while ruminating (ugh!) are ALL a part of the fall-out for going no contact.
When you start to break away and see the toxicity, you’ll be very perceptive to red flags (warnings) that will show up.
Over time, you’ll detect them faster, better, and have a plan on how to respond.
AFTER
Expect resistance at every part of this step and even after. Make sure you RESIST their resistance.
While I wholeheartedly wish this was easy, it IS NOT.
Allow yourself grace to have that one step forward, two steps back path. It takes time.
The first year is the hardest for most as the entire family challenges and accepts this resistance to the toxicity. They will become accepting (though in a non-healthy way) of your new path where the flying monkeys and tactics no longer work.
During the season of going no contact as well as years after, it is a struggle to keep making steps to heal.
AND THAT’S OKAY.
Dr. Jerry Wise discusses system feelings vs. true feelings in his FREE webinar on self-differentiation HERE.
What is more, you’ll find a new strength that often you don’t know you have.
Strength is deleting the text rage-filled paragraph you just wrote in response to their ploy to get you to react.
A goal of mine, and would love to see in others, is a generation of self-aware, REGULATED parents. Parents that take the time to self-reflect, do the work, and put into their children the effort that they deserve.
We owe it to ourselves as well as our future.
For years we had a narcissist focus but now it’s time to ask ourselves:
- What are you about?
- What matters to YOU?
- How do you like to spend your time?
- Who do you want to be in the world?
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8: 37-39
Here’s to finding someone who will be there when the highs get low – a favorite song of mine by Tauren Wells and create your own family.
SHARE
As always, I want to hear from you. Yes, this is a public post, so consider contacting me privately via email if you have questions. However, sharing your story helps others understand that they too have a voice. Likewise, pin and share to reach others.
Before you go, be sure to sign up for my FREE newsletter. Until next time!
RESOURCES
- Dr. Ramani Durvasala – world renown New York Times bestselling author and professor who helps people heal from narcissistic relationships. Her latest book – It’s Not You.
- The Healing Daughter – is dedicated to helping women who have been raised by narcissistic mothers. They offer a safe, supportive community and a structured, trauma-informed 5-step healing process that helps daughters break free from the deep emotional wounds caused by their upbringing.
- Dr. Jerry Wise – his unique approach is tailored for adults from narcissistic, dysfunctional, or emotionally immature families, addressing the deep and lifelong challenges that most self-help advice fails. (video HERE) He can speak from his own narcissistic parent upbringing. Offers free training!
- Dr. Les Carter – he provides insights about narcissism via his courses, webinars, podcasts, videos and more. His goal is simple: explain narcissism and its powerful impact upon relationships, then offer alternatives for healthy living.
- Dr. Meg Haworth – holistic wellness for narcissistic abuse survivors, including how your childhood directly affects your adult health and how to heal.
- Leslie Vernick – Biblical relationship coach that also had an unhealthy mother. Offers virtual coaching and oodles of free blogs, podcasts, videos as resources. Her team is amazing.
- Jay Reid – individual psychotherapy and coaching to heal from narcissistic abuse.
- Dr. Gabor Mate – addiction specialist that focuses on childhood roots in development
- The Narcissist’s Daughter – survivor of narcissistic parental abuse and shares her story, like me
While you’re at it, more discussions related to going no contact:
You are so right. If a narcissist is damaging your psyche, no contact is the only way. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s difficult and lonely. Often people don’t understand because they’ve never experienced the hell of living with a narcissist sad their manipulations. It’s the only way. You’re a brave person and breaking the cycle of abuse is an amazing gift you’re giving your children. Stay strong and listen to your heart. You know what’s right. ❤️
Thank you. I’ve been no contact for nearly two years now, so it’s kinda just the way it is. Sharing so that others can understand the process, ask questions, and know they’re not alone.
I hope you don’t feel bad or beat yourself up about the oversharing. I feel like sometimes people who suffer trauma and finally find their voice get shamed for finally expressing themselves when they used to keep it in. I do this and have done this my whole life.
I’m excited to see what the final change over to livin’ real will be, but I have to admit I will miss prodigal pieces…. Isn’t it weird how we tend to cling to what we know. I used to say comfortable, but nothing about it is comfortable-it’s just the known-vs-unknown, but; we can at least understand the known. Much love my friend.
Not at all, but now I know why I overshared in the past – it was if anyone would actually listen to me, I’d dump.
While I’ll still be Prodigal Pieces in my work and projects, this new facet allows me to broaden more of me and also allow for others to join in as I work on a podcast.
Thank you, Niki.
Hi Larissa, You are very brave. I had a narcissistic father and sister. I lost everything because of my family. I am a massive caregiver and I am trying to CA. Caregivers anonymous. We moved to an entirely new state far from home. I also married a narcissistic man and was married for 22 years! It didn’t seem out of the ordinary, because my marriage was like my parents, that was normal. But very painful. I was the “different” one in the family. Always going off and doing my own thing. And I have taken care of more people than I can count and took care of 3 dying people , including my lovely 2nd husband. He passed this April after a long illness. I cannot believe how strong I have become as a result of all the trials in my life. I used to cry a lot. That is how my mother coped. I rarely cry any more. I have gone no contact with my 5 siblings for the past 13 years. Life is calmer and more simple, less stress. I don’t have to hear from one about the faults of another and wonder what they are saying about me. They didn’t tell me when my brother died, or my father. They waited 2 weeks to tell me my mother died. But now I know what to expect. Thank you for your honesty, it is quite amazing.
You are sweet to say so. I don’t so much feel brave but feel there is a need for folk to speak out and share. This path is hard, as you well know, and I hate that for you. Your story is very much like mine – your entire life being abused. I, too, was always the different one and I get it. Also, my deepest condolences to you as you grieve your husband and I’m glad you had second chance at marriage that was better. Praying for you as a Phoenix sister – someone who has risen from the fire. {{hugs}}
I have been following you for a few years now and love your creativity and projects (and your new haircut!), but I especially like your new direction as I can sure relate. It has been triggering for me, but I am finding at 58 that I am reliving and remembering a lot from my abusive past that I had buried and now must deal with somehow. Your posts have been helpful and I feel we are very much alike. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty and desire to help others. It is very needed these days. I look forward to seeing the changes you are making. I have been praying for you. Keep up the awesome work. You give me hope and inspiration! Thank you so much.
Oh, I wish I could hug you, Jill. I understand the triggering and it does sound like we’re much alike.
Thank you for affirming this change for me. I feel it’s led by God and allowing myself to be me. It’s still scary in some ways to make the change, but I feel this is more REAL.
{{hugs}}
And thank you for the hair love!!