Are you able to instantly spot a person in emotional distress, or read the room within seconds, or maybe even know how to replay a conversation over and over again in your head? The benefits of narcissist abuse are MANY.

Likewise, if my sarcasm went over your head, do know it’s another benefit I received from my narcissist mother and additional toxic relationships. ahem.

Maybe you’re here because you’re experiencing firsthand what it is like to be raised by a narcissist parent. That means you’re an ACoN (Adult Child of a Narcissist) like me. And maybe you’re here because narcissism has permeated your life in other ways – a friend betrayal, a nasty coworker or boss, even a spouse… or even your own child.

In either event, narcissist abuse survivors have many things in common.

Little did I know that what I oddly perceived as POSITIVE traits are actually survival mechanisms instilled in me since birth.

First, not everyone who suffers from narcissistic abuse will have all the same symptoms or nuances. However, I’m tackling a few that are quite prominent amongst many, even myself.

Based on what I’m learning about myself, I want to share how I’m taking my abuse traits and gleaning from them while HEALING.

Because I’m building bridges I’m walking on. I’m not waiting for the perfect time nor the perfect person.

It’s up to ME.

HYPER EMPATHY

I’d like to continue in my discussion of how I thought I had positive traits, but actually they ARE hurting me.

Like I’ve mentioned in all my Life Updates so far, as well in my How to Heal from Abuse post, I have come to realize I have some of the tendencies of a hyper empath.

What is that, you say?

In short, hyper empathy is where you feel others’ emotions so deeply, as if they’re your own, and it can lead to stress in your own body. It can also mean you’re not great at setting boundaries and ignore your needs and neglect your own best interest. ¹

However, one of the so-called benefits of narcissist abuse is that we have wonderful people that are beyond willing to care for others. Without medical caretakers, law enforcement, military, and others that take on roles to care for others, we are lost.

The downside is when their own needs are suffering.

Just think though… what would the world be like WITHOUT empaths?

Or maybe you’re wondering if you can heal from such a thing as hyperempathy?

YES.

While being an empath is wonderful, the key to not going overboard is learning how to set healthy boundaries, self-care, and practicing mindfulness of our own desires and needs is pertinent.

Here’s the funky messed-up part: my mother told me and everyone who’d listen how sensitive I was. So much so that “I’d cry if she even looked at me wrong”.

She was programming me.

I am a walking testimony that healing is real and know myself better than she ever did. Empathy is a GIFT when applied healthily.

TIMELINESS

With that in mind, if I’m ever five minutes late, call the police.

{{giggle}}

Funny, but not funny is my narc parent would chastise if I was late but then be purposefully late to frustrate me and others to gain supply by watching our frustration and make an entrance.

My narc training makes me punctual to a detriment if I don’t apply “brakes”.

The way I see it is that I’m someone that can be counted on for being on time, which means my word means something and that I respect YOUR time.

However, being so punctual can lead to anxiety which can also quickly domino-effect into a bad place.

Again, as you can imagine, the important part is making sure we’re comfortable in our own skin to do the best we can.

We can’t prevent traffic accidents, and similar stops. Nor do we have to worry about not being able to let someone know we’re behind schedule. With cell phones and such, the anxiety should be lessened.

Do you have any similar stories?

DETAIL ORIENTED

Is that a tipped picture hanging on the wall?

{{GASP}}

If that sounds like you, I can relate.

Again, a benefit of narcissist abuse is that I was trained to be in tune to everyone and everything. You can call it hypervigilance.

From recognizing a slight eyebrow raise, to a tense voice, or even the gait of a person can send out waves to my noggin’.

While this type of living means your body is CONSTANTLY in surveillance mode, it also allows me the ability to sense danger quickly and know if a person is toxic on the spot.

The problem is what I do with that sense.

Do I cocoon into silence or submission? Or maybe slap on a smile and hide in the obvious?

Or do I learn these signals within my body both physically and emotionally so that I can self-regulate and not let them bring me down?

VAGUS NERVE ANYONE?

This has much to do with our vagus nerve.

The vagus nerve, also known as the vagal nerves, are the main nerves of your parasympathetic nervous system. This system controls specific body functions such as your digestion, heart rate and immune system. These functions are involuntary, meaning you can’t consciously control them. ²

Narcissistic abuse can disrupt the autonomic nervous system, but you can restore balance by stimulating the vagus nerve.

Narcissistic abuse can leave deep scars, not just emotionally, but physically too. It can throw your autonomic nervous system—responsible for controlling involuntary bodily functions—into disarray. This can lead to a state of hyperarousal, where you’re constantly on edge, or hypoarousal, where you feel numb and disconnected. These states can wreak havoc on your health and well-being, but the good news is that there’s a way to help restore balance: by activating the vagus nerve.

• Hyperarousal can manifest as anxiety, insomnia, or irritability.
• Hypoarousal might look like depression, fatigue, or a sense of detachment.
• Both states can contribute to digestive issues, headaches, and other physical symptoms.

Stimulating the vagus nerve can help regulate these responses, promoting recovery. Engaging the vagus nerve can lead to improved mood, better sleep, and a stronger immune system. By focusing on the vagus nerve, you can help your body transition out of survival mode and into a state of restoration and healing. ³

I KNEW IT

—– added this a week after this post published —–

After reading, What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo , I found Dr. Greg Siegle, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at the University of Pittsburgh. He studies the brains of C-PTSD patients and found that there are ways that the effects of C-PTSD can be considered ASSETS. (for the record, this book is one I followed the authors suggestion to skip the meat of it if I found her stories triggering. I read the beginning and end. Likewise, she uses oodles of foul language that I didn’t care for, but found her insights wonderfully helpful) ⁴

I KNEW IT!!

“I call them superpowers” Siegle states. That is literally what I’ve told my autistic children about their abilities and also mine having suffered from abuse my entire life.

Siegle calls it Blunted and Discordant Affect Sensitivity Syndrome (acronym… BADASS).

In sum, this dissociated state means you don’t always have emotions that are totally appropriate for the situation.

This explains SO MUCH for me. I was always told how amazed people were that I remain calm in desperately hard situations, that I could read so much more that was there in emotions in others.

I think the acronym fits.

WHERE TO GO FROM HERE

As you can imagine, when you take into consideration the actual benefits of narcissist abuse, there aren’t any.

What it means is that understanding ourselves and allowing grace as we heal creates a new path for our bodies and minds despite the abuse.

In my past posts, I have several suggested readings, podcasts, videos and more. Not only that, but also a professional that has DIRECT experience with narcissist abuse is key – even their very own personal experience.

Far too many counselors, church elders, and therapists are ill-equipped in therapeutic help in this line of abuse. Make sure you do your due diligence to research and ask loads of questions.

At the same time, I invite you to share your experiences. Do remember, however, that this is a public post. If you’d like a private message, I also invite you to email me directly. By pinning and sharing, I’m hoping to other abuse victims to feel like they have a voice.

There is HOPE.

*thank you to my daughter, Elena, for her artwork she created a few years ago.

Before you go, be sure to sign up for my FREE newsletter. Until next time!

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FOOTNOTES

1. Exploring Hyper-Empathy Syndrome: Symptoms, Causes, and Coping Strategies
2. Vagus Nerve
3. The Vagus Nerve’s Surprising Impact on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
4. What My Bones Know – A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo

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