{{deep breath}} It’s a year of firsts.

Maybe you’re like me and you’re had a great deal of change in your life and you’re heading into each day, each week, and each month in an unchartered way.

It can be DAUNTING.

But… it is also FREEING.

I’ve buried children and have severe loss and heartache in my life many times.

For me today, I’m speaking as a forty-eight-year-old woman who was in a relationship with someone for over thirty years. That means I was sixteen years old when I was last single.

Literally, I never planned to be single. That is, unless unexpected death came.

Well, that unexpected death is my marriage.

SOAP BOX MOMENT

While on that thought… if you have never experienced this kind of loss but know someone who is… they NEED you.

It bothers me that when someone passes away, folks bring food and friendship to attend to the mourning.

Those that have experienced a divorce that came unexpectedly ARE MOURNING.

Not only do they not have anyone (in general terms) but largely they’re expected to just carry on.

“You wanted this… right??”

{{steps off soap box}} ahem.

MY FIRST FIRST

Before I start, I’m not sharing this sort of year of firsts for any other reason than to let you know you’re not alone. Me/We are here to support you and bring life to those feeling lost.

I am here to listen.

With that, my first “first” began as soon as I signed those dissolution documents a few months ago. In a divorce decree there is an option to change my name, either back to my maiden, or to a completely new name.

Talk about a painful decision… I truly wanted to create my own new name (in part because I am no contact with family). I didn’t because the cost was expensive, but no extra cost to just revert to my maiden. (though I never understood why a woman changes her name in the first place; as if a woman’s name means nothing)

Signing my maiden name again was a first I never thought I’d ever do.

While that isn’t a HUGE thing to some, that is HUGE to me and that’s all that matters.

So, like I mention before there was much pain in that but also FREEDOM.

MORE FIRSTS

After that came many more firsts even though my former husband did not move out for a couple months after signing papers.

THE ONE first I dreaded was my wedding anniversary. Ironically, I already stopped celebrating it many years before the legalities.

There was no point. I quit trying after our 10th year because I was always doing all the work and nothing in return.

Why celebrate it if I’m the only one remembering and making effort?

The anniversary is shortly after my birthday, which I also stopped celebrating many years ago. Tired of disappointments and let-downs.

However, when the anniversary rolled around, it was ODD.

I wasn’t grieving the dead marriage.

I was grieving THE DAY.

The day of the actual ceremony holds many painful memories.

WEDDING GRIEF

As I’ve mentioned before, I was raised by a narcissist mother and that revelation came a few years ago and I understand that a sick person doesn’t behave healthily. I just didn’t know she was sick in an official way though always knew something was “off”.

During the time of EXTREME grief of the death of knowing I will never have a mom, I process moments like bubbles rising to the surface.

One “bubble” in particular goes like this…

I’m in my bathroom at my childhood home styling my hair in preparation for the most important day of my life – my wedding.

My mother told me she would drive me in to the church.

Stupid me envisions her speaking tender words as I dress and her placing my veil on my head while having my sister there as well (maid of honor).

Instead, when it’s time to leave, I holler back to her bedroom that it’s time and she tells me to go on ahead without her.

I stop.

{{stunned}}

I drive to the church, get dressed by myself and do not see her until after the ceremony.

As par for the course, a narcissist doesn’t like being upstaged. They HATE when someone else gets the attention.

And this was definitely not the first time she has done this and not just to me.

So, on my “first” post-divorce wedding anniversary, that is the memory that stuck with me the most.

Also, in order to heal and reparent myself I mentally run down that aisle and hug that innocent bride with all my might. Then I tell her that she is beautiful, she is LOVED and quietly whisper a warning of what she’s in for.

MOVING ON

And just for the record, that was one of many “bubbles” from that day from my “family”.

How about no one watching you and your new husband open your gifts?

My new in-laws left our reception very early to go to the mother-in-law’s house for drinks (since we didn’t serve alcohol)

Meanwhile, current day, not one person speaks to me of my first anniversary of dead marriage. That speaks volumes to me.

Likewise, this story has a silver lining. Three years prior to that day, I accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. That HE DIED for me, rose from the grave, and is coming back for ME one day.

HIS bride awaits His return for true freedom.

As for the rest of a year of firsts, there is definitely more to come.

I welcome them.

I welcome a new story, a new path, a new journey. (see all LIFE UPDATES HERE)

There is no doubt in my mind that God is leading me out of the wilderness. Just imagine if ALL of the people that I have had to walk away from would own their part.

A harvest of healing is waiting to happen!

Healing is powerful, painful, and persistent if we take steps (baby steps, two steps forward and one step back) …you get the idea.

If you have a “first” story to share, I invite you to leave it in comments. Just remember this is a public post, so if you want to publish anonymously, send me an email.

SHARE YOUR STORY

Share what it was like for you, who stepped up, if anyone, to support you, what did you learn from your “first”?

In addition, pin and share this post to inspire others who are facing or will be facing similar trials.

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