If you read the title, you know this is a hard topic… why I don’t go to church.

DEEP BREATH.

Before I go on, do know that I am sharing my story and only my story for Life Update #15. (read all Life Updates HERE)

Why? Because I want to “clear the air” of sorts to assumptions, questions, and truths.

We’re gonna go waaaaay back.

Instead of just dropping this in text form only (I will write more in a bit), I want to speak directly to you in my vlog below.

DEEP REPAIR NEEDED

While I mention in my vlog about where church started for me there’s more to the story behind the scenes that I can’t go into.

There’s always going to be imperfection in any church as that’s what it’s for… the broken, the downtrodden, those that need a hand.

However, when the church is doing more harm than good, don’t you agree that there needs to be deep repair?

For many a generation, Christianity got a pass of sorts and now is on equal footing and that can make being held to standards uncomfortable.

As a child, expectations are that one attends a church, and you are rebellious if you didn’t attend.

Now, though it feels like I’m bucking the norm, I want to know why I should go to church and have the same healthy answer for others.

Not only have I faced standing up for my children and myself, but now also have another badge to wear – a divorced female.

{{the church shudders}}

Obviously as I mention, I do not currently attend a church since before divorce. At the same time, I’ve encountered story after story of divorcees within my private groups not finding a safe church. ¹ Even Christianity Today featured an article on this topic. ²

Bear in mind, why I don’t go to church is explained long before I ever even considered my dissolution/divorce. And, sadly, I used to be one of those that made assumptions on those facing such a life trial. You truly never know what someone is going through.

THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

Repentance with a humble reflection within the body of Christ that supersedes the self-appointed powers within the church is warranted for the church to survive.

WHAT ABOUT FEMALES

I step up and agree that I WAS part of the problem.

After growing up in a patriarchal family of origin, then following my childhood church, I went on to study the same at college.

Patriarchy rules.

Isn’t funny though that I could have been ordained per my collegiate study and yet I knew it’s pointless to pursue since I wasn’t allowed to pastor let alone preach?

In a twisted view filled with doubt, I adhered to the idea that women are not equal to men in God’s eyes.

Why would I believe any different when that is all I was taught?

And yet, “in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27 NIV)

I read that verse and be lost.

I’M CREATED IN GOD’S IMAGE? are you sure? Read Ephesians 2:10.

I knew that in my heart God knit me in the innermost parts, knows every hair on my head.

At the same point, why am I not allowed to serve certain roles or become less once I marry?

Rectifying this in my mind I positioned my BEING on having a servant’s heart.

And LOSING myself in the mix.

The (not so) funny thing is, it falls right in line with being raised by a narcissist parent. Which then set me up for marriage of the same treatment.

It’s taken me 48 years to realize my full value.

Despite the church, despite my parents, despite my spouse.

GOD LOVES ME.

GOD LOVES YOU.

SCRIPTURE DESCRIBES THE CHURCH

• As promised in Matthew 16:13-20 (NIV):

¹³ When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”

¹⁴ They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

¹⁵ “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

¹⁶ Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

¹⁷ Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. ¹⁸ And I tell you that you are Peter,^[a] and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades^[b] will not overcome it. ¹⁹ I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be^[c] bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be^[d] loosed in heaven.” ²⁰ Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah.

SCRIPTURE DESCRIBES ROLES

• Unity of in Romans 12:3-8 (CSB):

³ For by the grace given to me, I tell everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he should think. Instead, think sensibly, as God has distributed a measure of faith to each one. ⁴ Now as we have many parts in one body, and all the parts do not have the same function, ⁵ in the same way we who are many are one body in Christ and individually members of one another. ⁶ According to the grace given to us, we have different gifts: If prophecy, use it according to the proportion of one’s^[a] faith; ⁷ if service, use it in service; if teaching, in teaching; ⁸ if exhorting, in exhortation; giving, with generosity; leading, with diligence; showing mercy, with cheerfulness.

• Diversity in Ephesians 4:11-14 (CSB):

¹¹ And he himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip the saints for the work of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God’s Son, growing into maturity with a stature measured by Christ’s fullness. ¹⁴ Then we will no longer be little children, tossed by the waves and blown around by every wind of teaching, by human cunning with cleverness in the techniques of deceit.

LEAVING THE CHURCH

Why are women leaving the evangelical church?

That’s undeniably an HONEST question that deserves looking into, me thinks.

In recent studies, the church attendance gender gap is shrinking. But… it’s not completely on the basis of positive news.

Take a look at this study results by the Pew Research analysis of General Social Survey Data

In the mid-1980s, 38 percent of women and 25 percent of men attended church at least once a week in America—a 13-point gender gap, according to Pew Research analysis of General Social Survey data.

By 2012, that gap had shrunk by more than half, to 6 points. The change, however, did not come primarily from an increase in men attending church services. The gap shrank because women’s church attendance dropped.

While men experienced a 3-point drop in weekly church attendance, from 25 to 22 percent, women’s regular attendance fell by 10 points—down to 28 percent. via LifeWay Research “Church Attendance Gender Gap Shrinks, But It’s Not All Good News“

TAKE AWAY

Does that pique your interest? It does mine!

As Sheila Wray Gregoire of Bare Marriage so aptly states it in her article, “We Can’t Be Angry that Women Are Leaving the Evangelical Church“:

Females who claim no religious affiliation outnumber males without religious affiliation.

And remember–women have typically been the backbone of the church, but young women are leaving it in droves. They are leaving evangelicalism, but they are also leaving religion altogether. For those born after 1973, women and men are now equally like to attend church, or, as we go even younger, men are more likely to attend. It is only among the oldest adults that we see women attending more frequently. That’s new, and that’s an earthquake moment.

What is more, also in Gregoire’s book, She Deserves Better, she hits the nail on the head for me as a daughter, a sister with brothers, a mother of both sons and daughters. I would look at my brothers and wonder why they got special treatment. And then look at my daughters and wonder why anyone would see them as less than their brothers because of their gender?

Let’s go down the hall to your daughter’s bedroom and peek in. Do you see her? She’s full of promise. She’s been gifted by God to tackle so many things. God planned good works for her to do before the very foundation of the world (Ephesians 2:10). She is precious… she is loved. She deserves your permission and blessing to be who God called her to be. (page 256)

Gregoire also depicts a thoughtful view in this interesting article by USA Today focusing on Gen Z.

DISAPPEAR?

What if women just stopped… disappeared. What would the church look like?

Lucy Maud Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables author) wrote in her short story, “The Strike at Putney“. In the story, the tale is of the women of the church taking great pride in being “great church workers”. That is until a female missionary is promised to speak at their church.

“The elders of the church rose up to a man and declared that no woman should occupy the pulpit of the Putney church.” ³

“If women aren’t good enough to speak in church, they are not good enough to work for it either.” state the women of the church.

The story is so worth the read and sums up what happens if women. or anyone, stops their role within a church or family… you get the idea.

Things will begin to crumble.

We need each other and each NEEDS appreciation for who they are AS THEY ARE.

Galatians 3:28 (NIV): There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

OFFER SOLUTIONS

Let’s say you are like I WAS.

Scripture is written in context for the time it was written, and many passages are often taken out of context (weaponized) in order to control. If you read the Bible in today’s eyes, you will miss much of the message and meaning.

There’s no shame for me or anyone who self-reflects and is willing to learn. The church needs ALL men and women and children.

We can be the difference for change and can lead others with honesty.

I invite you to study, ask the hard questions.

DEEP DIVE for yourself. No one is going to do it for you.

For instance, read the articles, books, and watch the video discussions on this topic as well as Scripture. (suggested sources below)

Talk to your church board, which hopefully includes some women, and suggest classes with support of all created in God’s image.

I want my sons and my daughters to know and fully accept their worth in God’s eyes and also see the same in the opposite sex.

DO MORE

As always, I welcome your insight and comments below. But remember this is a public post, so if you have something personal to share, please email me. Your confidentiality is of utmost importance to me. Also, pin and share to inspire others.

Before you go, I am making changes here with new adventures awaiting. Be sure to sign up for my FREE newsletter. Until next time!

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SUGGESTED SOURCES:

• She Deserves Better, The Marriage You Want, and The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
• The Making of Biblical Womanhood and Becoming The Pastor’s Wife by Beth Allison Barr
• How God Sees Women by Terran Williams
• 30 Bible Verses on Women Leading and MORE by Marg Mowczko
• Recovering from Biblical Manhood & Womanhood – Aimee Byrd
• Paul and Gender: Reclaiming the Apostle’s Vision for Men and Women in Christ – Cynthia Long Westfall
• Leslie Vernick Articles Related to the Church
• Discovering Biblical Equality: Biblical, Theological, Cultural, and Practical Perspectives – Ronald W. Pierce & Cynthia Long Westfall
• I Don’t Feel Safe in Church: How to Handle Institutional Betrayal by Sarah McDugal
• Life Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville
• 5 Myths of Male Headship – Kate Wallace Nunnely
• The Bible vs Biblical Womanhood Podcast with Phillip B. Payne
• Churches & Christian Denominations with Unsafe Divorce Policies for Abused Spouses by Gretchen Baskerville
• Flying Free by Natalie Hoffman (podcasts, posts, and support groups)
• Tell Her Story: How Women Led, Taught, and Ministered in the Early Church – by Nijay K. Gupta
• The Headship of Men and The Abuse of Women – Are They Related in Any Way? – Kevin Giles
• Untwisting Scriptures Series by Rebecca Davis

FOOTNOTES

1. 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Safe Church – Gretchen Baskerville of Life Saving Divorce
2. Despite Stigma, More Divorced Evangelicals Are Going to Church – Christianity Today
3. The Strike At Putney by Lucy Maud Montgomery

While you’re at it, here are more discussions like why I don’t go to church: