“Don’t’ judge me unless you’ve walked in my shoes or lived a day in my life” ~ unknown. As promised in my Part 1 as a neurotypical wife in neurodiverse marriage, I am here to complete Part 2 to the best of my ability. In the previous post, I gave more a snapshot history of the dynamics within my marriage from the get-go. My goal is only to share to help you understand how I got to today and what truths I’ve learned.
However, I am not sharing to lay blame or be self-focused. As mentioned in my Intro to My Neurodiverse Marriage, neither JC nor I knew he is on the spectrum for high functioning autism. I cannot speak for him, but I can share what I’ve felt from my perspective. Keep in mind, we’ve been living with this unknown difference for 27.5 years. What is more, not one person can pass judgement or say anything to me unless they’ve lived one day or year of my life. Not only have a I found out I will never have the marriage I dreamed of, but also that some of my 6 children are also on the autism spectrum. My world is officially rocked.
I do not take lightly the promise of a covenantal marriage in any form, which is why I’m still married presently. However, after learning more about autism, more about emotional abuse, lies within the evangelical church, I feel I need to share more of my journey. I don’t want anyone else feeling trapped. Without a doubt so many of you are reaching out to me and sharing your stories. That alone is affirming my painful story is also yours. In addition, I will have a video filling in where my writing can’t convey properly.
WHERE TO BEGIN
I sit here trying to focus at 3 am because my mind is reeling on how to keep this centered on hope. While JC is in denial of autism for himself or his children, I am doing what is right for ME. That’s monumental for me to say that. You see, as mentioned in Part 1, as a neurotypical wife, I have lost myself in my marriage and as a mother. Codependency along with lack of emotional reciprocity within marriage and family leaves a shell of a person. Same as in my last post, you’ll see a * when I believe this is autism. Following that, I’ll share links and a summation of what is a better outcome if both parties are willing to accept and learn.
Many of you are wondering about my children and I am sharing on that in the near future. I will be learning about all of this until the day I die. We all should never stop learning, right?
summation: 5 Signs Your Male Partner May be Autistic by Jodi Carlton – a neurodiverse relationship counselor
YEAR 10
It was sometime around our 10-year anniversary in June that it really hit me I am the only one investing in our marriage. Before that, in May, I decided to make a huge effort for his mother on Mother’s Day. JC is an only child from his parents but has a half-brother on one side and a half-brother and sister on the other. In light of the event, I plan to bring food and ask JC to get his brother and sister to prepare something to go with it. With a surprise as the focus, it’s all set, and we head to visit.
While there, JC is requested to say a prayer over the meal (this is not the norm in his family). Before he prays his stepdad says a thank you to the “important mothers” – my husband’s grandmother and his mother. It left me stunned. I’ve shared a snippet of my journey in his family in this previous post. The reality of my place within their family, as I had always assumed, but never let myself believe, is realized.
That Mother’s Day I went home on fire. I purchase my ten-dollar domain to begin to find ME via my blog. I know I have more to offer than I was allowing myself. There is I have more to share, and I am worth recognizing. Larissa has value. My life is worth more than pleasing others. Only God knew what was going to become of that menial purchase. You see, this is also the time I gave birth to our stillborn daughter the November before that June.
PRECIOUS BABES
Gabriella is my daughter that JC never talks about, never remembers her death nor my miscarriage the following year near Mother’s Day. Needless to say, I don’t care for Mother’s Day and don’t celebrate it, but rather ask my kids to love on me every day. The kids and I go to her grave alone to celebrate the promise we’ll be together one day. I’m not huge on visiting graves because there’s nothing there, but for my kids I go. I know my babies are in the safest arms of Jesus waiting for me one day. In the first years of Gabriella’s passing, I would remind him, but after him showing no interest, I decide to not say a word. He never remembers. *
To my amazement folks, this last November was the first time I was not in depression over the day. I felt peace…a deep peace. Why? Because I let go of my codependency and my marriage as I chose to separate from JC when he would not even try to understand autism last June. Funny thing is, I had no idea I was codependent. As a sidenote, I mention in my video I believe I became codependent because that’s what my research was showing. However, that’s until I found out about my abuse from my family of origin as well as this explanation HERE.
summation: I know memory issues are part of autism as well as mindblindness. If we had known he needed training to understand how his brain works, and I had training to communicate what I needed, the result would have been vastly different. Autism Experts – world’s largest organization by and for autistic families
A DAY IN THE LIFE
Ever hear of a puppy that comes back after taking a licking? That’s a great way to understand how I am – perpetual optimist who believes in not giving up. Over the years, I would ask JC for prayer and Bible study time. I mean, he would get up at 4 am to play basketball or 6 am to workout, so he has time for me, right? I would stand in the doorway of our kitchen hoping he would be on his way out to spend time with me. He never comes, except after having sex, he gets up early. * I quit trying.
summation: sports and exercise are his special interests, and he could learn limits and share that time with other things.
After being discarded as the special interest of her ASD husband, the neurotypical wife is desperate to understand what is happening. She becomes obsessed with decoding her autistic spouse, though ASD may not even be on her radar for months or even years. She tirelessly strives to understand his myriad of unfamiliar behaviors that ultimately feel like a bait and switch from their earlier relationship. As his neglect and emotional deprivation of her needs continues in duration, her effort to understand him becomes more and more frantic. The NT wife simultaneously blames herself for his discard, and searches for an underlying source of explanation. Additionally, so many of his behaviors – independent of the relationship, but limited to home life – seem baffling and not representative of anything previously experienced.
When she eventually seeks out consultation to make sense of her lonesome relationship, her insidious despair, her relentless anxiety, her physical symptoms from ongoing stress that will eventually be diagnosed as chronic illness – her topical focus always circles back to her husband.
However, there is a key difference between the neurotypical wife and the ordinary codependent who is compelled to be a rescuer: the autistic husband masked during the early part of their relationship, before marriage. Why is this significant? Because it means that the neurotypical wife chose her marriage based on the dating dynamic of reciprocity. She did not get married with the notion of toxic selflessness on the agenda. She did not expect to spend her marital life obsessively researching psychology, neurology and developmental disorders, pouring energy exclusively into her husband – just to obtain basic insight and a modicum of mutuality from him. ~ The Special Interest of Every Neurotypical Wife
KILLING MYSELF SLOWLY
Back in November of 2018, I feel I’m killing myself slowly. Overworked, no one to listen to me, so I decide to take my kids on a nature hike. Before the hike, I stood up and blacked out. Later that night would be the first time my left eye went black followed by dizziness. It went away, but it took me a day or two to regain energy.
Two months later, I am sitting at home and my left eye blacks out again on New Years. This time, it’s very scary and is taking longer to recover. I head to the ER as recommended by an eye doctor, then an optometrist. While at the optometrist by myself, the doctor tells me I’m having strokes (post HERE). I head home to tell JC and his response was no different than if I had said I’m going to the store. * Stunned, I head off to cry alone and I decide to keep him at arm’s length. I head to cardiologists, neurologists, and have my MRI…and process all of this alone. During this time, I also believe I have a major panic attack and went back to the ER as I thought it a pending “stroke”.
Also, because of my “strokes” I have bilateral vertigo for nearly a year. I can’t stand in the dark without falling over, or in a blank room or hallway. Showers are difficult because I can’t close my eyes, or I fall. In order to protect my kids, I didn’t drive, but being in a moving car the vertigo went away temporarily. It wasn’t until my kids and I were installing the ceiling in my living room (up in the attic with overhead work) that it went away. I still have residual vertigo, but nothing like before.
FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS
After living in our home for about 17 years, my family and I did much for one specific neighbor and his. One of their family informed me that the Mr. had tried to hang himself years ago. Mr. made himself known the very first day we set foot on our property by asking us what we were doing. That set the stage for many years of intrusion, but I had pity on him. “Love thy neighbor as thyself”. However, Mr. was a problem. He would get a ladder and mess with our gutters and downspout. He would come peek in my back windows in order to get my attention. In addition, Mr. was always telling me what to do and how to do it. I don’t like Mr. very much, but I keep trying to be a good Christian.
Then, in June of 2019, I decide to rebuild a lean-to on the side of our house that I had taken down a few years earlier after we moved in. You can see what we built here on the same exact spot. As we were setting up to build, Mr. decides he doesn’t want us to do that. He pulls up my driveway nearly hitting me, unloads pavers and begins to claim the spot.
He threatens to build a fence, I stand up to him by telling him we’re allowed to, and it wouldn’t cause him any issues. Next, he yells at me right in the face. I am advised to not engage him anymore. That same day Mr. yelled at me, we take our family on a walk, and he is standing out front. JC waves to him and greets him kindly. * To feel like I was stabbed in the back is an understatement.
BUILD IT
After talking with the previous owner and an attorney, we had right to claim to the land, but decide to forgo legal action. I want a fence and want Mr. out of our lives (see our fence HERE).
While we are installing a sidewalk using a tamper machine, Mr. comes over to the two of us. I walk away and JC proceeds to have a super friendly conversation with Mr. At this point, I can’t believe my eyes and am hurt and confused. I then become the evil one in Mr.’s eyes, same as in other family situations. I’m seen as controlling, overbearing, yet I’m not the one who causes the trouble. This led me to have extreme anxiety as Mr. would always come up to our property when I’m outside.
Being unsupported by my husband is very, very hard, I feel I’m going crazy. Folks, this happened in June of 2019, followed by the fence in August. Then, came the “strokes” in early November. Do you see a pattern? My body is shutting down from stress. Stress from my family of origin, my marriage, my raising unknown autistic kids.
WHAT NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
Some have wondered; how did I happen to have 8 kids (two in heaven)? Frankly, I believed that God controls the womb and the number we are to have. I don’t love pregnancy (at least it seems pregnancy doesn’t love me). When I became a Christian at 18 years of age, I dug deep to find out what God wanted of me as Christian woman. That led to studying more about being a godly wife as well, once married. I mentioned in my last two posts that certain books were my main source of information. Sadly, those books I read only help me get to a tough spot in my marriage and should not be used for ANY MARRIAGE – not just neurodiverse.
I’m sharing more on this in my video below as a neurotypical wife. Hear more on Ephesians 5 by Sheila Wray Gregoire.
I HATE DIVORCE
You see, thankfully, while studying about a neurotypical wife role, I found I exposed lies that have kept me in my way of living unnecessarily. One of the verses in the last few years I kept heading to is Malachi 2:16:
“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. NIV 1992 My Bible
In historical data, this verse is only translated this way from the King James Version on. When in 1996 the Dead Sea Scrolls excavation finds the actual Malachi verse and the translation is incorrect. Martin Luther and even John Calvin had it correct, but for some reason it was changed for the KJV. Here’s how it should read and has been revised in NIV and others since 2011:
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.” NIV 2011
I always wondered how God would hate divorce when He Himself actually divorced Israel.
“I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery.” Jeremiah 3:8-9
summation: Look at this deeper with Leslie Vernick, HERE with Gretchen Baskerville of Life-Saving Divorceand BEMA Discipleship
SPEAKING OF ADULTERY
During my youth and adulthood, I learn that the only reason for divorce is either adultery or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. With that in mind, that means for me the only reason I could divorce is adultery. However, that is only one way many have viewed Scripture.
To be perfectly clear, I am not accusing JC of physical adultery. However, in my last post I mention after finding out I was pregnant with my third child that I didn’t want to have any more children with this man. In that same year, my daughter became very ill as a young infant. She was not meeting milestones in weight and was defecating in green. I was on a fierce hunt to find the answer with doctors and test I had to set up. In the end, I end up putting myself on an elimination diet to find out the cause as I was breastfeeding her. After that, I found she had a gluten intolerance.
At that same time, JC was working on a car for a friend to earn extra money. One night after putting my kids to bed, I went to sleep then I am woke up somehow. I went to see JC and found him in our closet dialing someone. Concerned that something was wrong with family, I asked him who he was talking to. In the end, I essentially caught him calling another woman. I’m not going to elaborate.
EMOTIONAL ADULTERY
You can imagine my pain in that moment. His concern is for a young lady coworker who is upset/lonely that her fiancé is out west in the military. While I am beside myself trying to find out what is wrong with our daughter, he is more concerned for her welfare. When I confront him about it, he says that I was too busy with our daughter. * He says I wasn’t giving him enough attention. * There was no apology, no reconciliation, and carry on as if nothing happened. * There is no more trust as he often talked about her before that.
After these instances I take the blame to heart and after reading advice from a very prominent family ministry organization, I’m told to offer more sex so that he doesn’t stray. Unfortunately, that causes me to offer myself as a sacrifice. I believe that I need to be a submissive wife, to help him in his need. I can honestly say that because I am taught and believe there is only one form of adultery, I wished he had actually committed the physical act.
Apparently in autism emotional adultery is prevalent.
summation: If we both had known about autism as a neurotypical wife, it may have prevented this whole situation. He would understand himself and also my needs.
MASKING
What is masking? When a neurodiverse person is trying to fit in to a neurotypical situation, they make effort to appear like their audience or social surroundings.
- forcing or faking eye contact during conversations
- imitating smiles and other facial expressions
- mimicking gestures
- hiding or minimizing personal interests
- developing a repertoire of rehearsed responses to questions
- scripting conversations
- pushing through intense sensory discomfort including loud noises
- disguising stimming behaviors (hiding a jiggling foot or trading a preferred movement for one that’s less obvious) (source)
You see, when JC and I would go around family or friends, he became a different person. This person who I beg to talk to me, spend time with me, all of a sudden becomes chatty and totally engages socially. If you could have had a camera on my face while watching this take place, you would see disbelief, jaw-dropping, and pain. How is that he can totally talk to them and never talk to me? Was there something wrong with me? This was my thought for decades.
summation: Unfortunately, masking isn’t healthy for anyone. JC could learn to unmask, be himself, and require less repair. Unmasking After Late Autism Diagnosis – Embracing Authenticity by Orion Kelly. As the neurotypical wife, I can learn to set appropriate expectations.
IS IT ALL BAD?
If you were to meet JC and I on the road, you would think us the perfect couple. He is very quiet, I’m definitely more outspoken. One of his means of showing care is doing simple chores. So much so that I can’t stand him putting away the dishes after I ask him to sit with me. Showering gifts, or romantic dates or getaways never happen. His idea of love is sitting beside him as he watches his favorite team. * I’m not making fun, but that is exactly true. He also goes to work faithfully which includes one of his special interests – books. JC is very caring with our kids and is eager to help others. Also, his intelligence is astounding.
One year when I encourage him to continue his education, he goes to visit the head of the dead languages department at Ohio State grad school. You see, he has a degree in Biblical Languages. He graduated top of our class and also won all the language awards. It’s been nearly ten years since our college graduation, and he had two weeks to prepare to meet this dean. After only reading an advanced Hebrew book sparsely over the two weeks, she greets him speaking only in Hebrew. Because JC is only studied in dead languages, he has never learned modern Hebrew.
As a part of his special interests, he listens to 1980’s Hebrew pop radio. Not only did he understand her enough, but he aces her verbal test of him on that book. Talk about mind-blowing!! I don’t know anyone else that could do that caliber so fast. There are many areas that JC excels in academically. Over the years I’ve often said, “he’s book smart, I’m street smart”. Though, I’m book smart too (wink).
FINAL DISCUSSION
In my video, I’m sharing how I try to save our marriage one more time not knowing I’m a neurotypical wife in a neurodiverse marriage.
As you can see, this life as a neurotypical wife not knowing I am married to a man with autism has left me extremely sad, feeling alone, and wondering about my future. Is it JC’s fault? NO. I think there is a wonderful world of people who are created in the image of God just as He planned. God makes no mistakes. I am 100% NOT PERFECT. Him not knowing himself or my needs. Then, also me not having appropriate expectations. It’s a recipe for a mess but doesn’t have to be this way for others. There is hope, there is help. It takes a willingness to try and loads of work. If you can’t afford counseling/coaching, there are groups, books, podcasts, videos and more.
I hope to share more of my research pertaining to similar topics around Scripture, marriage, and family.
RESOURCES
- Neurodiverse Christian Marriages Network – Dr. Stephanie Holmes and her husband, Dan, are a neurodiverse couple that didn’t come to the diagnosis until recent years. They have a new book, Uniquely Us that is wonderful, and also articles, videos, podcasts, courses – so much to offer and have been a huge help to me.
They also offer course to those wanting to expand their counseling or ministry to include neurodivergent counseling. - AANE – Asperger/Autism Network
- Barbara Grant – a neurodiverse life & couples coach. She has helped me even when not an official client.
- Leslie Vernick – biblical counselor for broken marriages
- Grace Myhill – neurodiverse couples coaching
- Jodi Carlton – neurodiverse therapist and relationship coach
- Wilderness to WILD – Sarah McDugal is an autistic mama who a survivor of domestic violence and child sexual assault with a hyper focus is developing evidence-based, gospel-aligned resources for women after abuse
- 5 Signs Your Male Partner May be Autistic by Jodi Carlton – a neurodiverse relationship counselor
- Navigating Late Diagnosis for Autistic Adults by Orion Kelly – a late-diagnosed autistic man shares hope
- 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome by Rudy Simone
- The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband by David Finch: a wonderful read written by a man who didn’t let his diagnosis stop him.
MORE RESOURCES
- Life-Saving Divorce Book and her site Life-Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville – she offers groups on Facebook and help
- Flying Free by Natalie Hoffman – helping women of faith navigate difficult relationships
- The Great Sex Rescue and She Deserves More by Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Bare Marriage (read comments) – also by Sheila Wray Gregoire and full of so much wonderful information and awesome podcasts!
- Why Women Who Leave Lose Twice – I find myself in this article over and over again
- The Autism Effect on Marriage – a blog dedicated to those feeling the affects of autism on them and their marriage
- Autism Experts – world’s largest organization by and for autistic families
- Emotionally Healthy Relationships (book & workbook suggested by Dr. Stephanie Holmes – a neurotypical wife)
- My Pinterest Board
SHARE
As always, I am in no way required to share my life as a neurotypical wife with you. Pouring out my heart so that others can avoid such a rollercoaster life is my goal. Maybe you’re a neurotypical wife looking for answers. Or, maybe you’re on the spectrum wondering what you can do better for your spouse? Let me know you hear me and feel free to ask questions. If I can’t help, I’ll find someone who can. Pin and share to get this out to those that need to hear it.
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Until next time!
While you’re at it, here are related posts to a neurotypical wife story:
Thanks again for sharing more of your story. As painful as it’s been to separate, I’m glad you’re sleeping better and feeling better. You’re in my thoughts as you continue on this journey.
It’s been so very hard. Many have asked questions, so I’m trying to answer them the best I can. Thank you, Sandra.
The greatness- vast capacity of our Father and His care for us gives sustaining hope! Hebrews 6:19. Your sharing has been a blessing to me. Even if I don’t walk through the same valley I have gained knowledge and understanding. Thank you my friend, continued prayers.
Yes, I lean into those words, Niki. Thank you for the “ear”.
Larissa, I can’t begin to understand the pain of your marriage journey. Thank you so very much for sharing, so that others of us who have had our own painful journeys, can benefit. My prayers are with you. May you always feel the presence of God’s love.
I honestly wish that no one could understand so that no one would have to have a similar story. Sharing helps me process, but also know I can take this “lump of clay” and see God work miracles. Thank you, Gayle.
you are showing your children how to live a well lived life and how to save yourself. Not only should our children know what a good marriage is through example, they need to know how to get out of a lifeless marriage by example. Prayers~~~
Mary, that’s what really hit home for me. I DO NOT want my kids in either brain wiring to have any experience like this. I’m working on how to teach them from here on out and know that God brought this to light for this reason. Thank you so much.
Larissa again thank you so much for sharing and for the wealth of resources you have provided us with. I truly hope God guides you to find peace in your marriage. Much love to you. <3
Love received! Thank you, Mary.
Thank you, Larissa, for sharing your painful story. It’s cathartic to write and especially so when there’s pain or confusion. I just sent a Decree for you and your children, and sent you strength, courage, and power; and to protect all of you.
How are the children managing with the separation? I’m so glad you had the courage to do that! You’ve been a martyr for too long.
Wishing all the best of everything for you in your new life, Larissa. It’s good that you aren’t teaching your children to stay in a marriage that is grossly unhappy. You are giving them a good example.
Much love and joy to you!
It is and helps me realize truths I was overlooking. Thank you for your prayers. I would answer the question about the kids in a short “they’re doing very well”, but I need to explain further in a future post. They are realizing so many things as well as me and it’s good for all of us. Thank you, Caye.
Larissa,
You have been through the wringer! What courage it takes for you to write your story! I’m guessing learning to take care of yourself seems very strange. Self care is so important as I’m sure you are learning. I have learned so much from these recent posts. My daughter left an abusive, (mostly emotional) marriage and is now thriving! Her son remarked to her that she is funny. Something he was not aware of for 18 years! God has put so many good things into her life. We are so grateful. You are meant to thrive! God wants only the best for you! May you find peace in your heart.
The funny thing is I always tried to take care of me, which I thought also meant taking care of all of the marriage. Does that make sense? I began finding me when I realized from pictures and things from my past I missed. It’s said that when you live with an autistic person as long as I did/do, you can tend to show autistic traits yourself. When I tried being me around him, he didn’t like it.
Hi, your story is amazing and my ❤️ goes out to you. Thank-you for sharing it. I never knew this type of marriage existed. You are amazing and Awesome! God Bless you and your kids too.
Hi Kim! Yes, I’m finding more and more of similar stories. For instance, over the years, two friends and my sister would all talk to me. We all were saying the same thing, even exact verbiage about our husbands. I kept saying…there has to be a link to all of this. While I’m researching, one finds out he’s bipolar, the other is ADHD and autistic, and the other is also in denial/unknown. These were the only ladies who I could talk to because they “got” me. I think this is more prevalent than any realize.
I have a dear friend who may be in a neurodivergent marriage. It’s so difficult!!! I am joining you in prayer as you seek truth and health for yourself and your dear ones. I’m so glad you have Jesus! Where would we be without Him? Sending love and admiration.
LOST…I would be lost without Him. I honestly don’t know how those that don’t have Him bear the load. I’m praying for your friend. I have one in denial as well – she says she’s stupid, she’s ugly, it’s all her fault. I am in pain for her. Love received!
Your bravery to share is above any amount of courage and I admire what this takes. My hope is that you are seeking and finding the professional support and guidance to move forward. With your children being on the autism spectrum, it is extremely important for them to have the same kind of support and guidance as they transition through each of life’s passages learning to move successfully. Again, hat’s off to you for seeking and finding these important answers for yours and your family’s well-being…
Thank you. Yes, doing all I can and while they’re on the spectrum, they’re fully functional and understand what they can do to help themselves as well. I’m thankful we have answers to our difficulties.
I am so sorry for your pain.
As parents, the very best thing we can do for our children is to prepare them to live in the world as adults. I acknowledge the courage you have shown in being honest with them.
I believe there is a reason this information has come to me. Much to think about…..
May you find strength in knowing you are on the right path for Larissa. And yes, YOU have value! And are a treasure to many.
Sending love.
I don’t understand the why of it all, but leaning on God’s arms. Yes, you are so right. They are my all and always have been. Now I know better how to mother them and lead them. Thank you so much, Fran. {{hugs!!}}
Larissa, I’ve been following your blog for a few years now and I’ve always wondered how you do everything. I am sad to read that you are doing much of this on your own and although we have different faiths, I am glad that you have your faith to sustain you.
I want to let you know that you are part of my life and what you write and photograph is important to me, even if we are thousands of miles apart and will never even meet.
I am just one person who values you and all that you share, but I am a mum, so from one mum to another, please accept a virtual hug and know that YOU matter, YOU are important, and although you may not see it, people like me care about YOU.
Oh, Sherin…I wish I could hug you! Thank you for that wonderful affirmation. It truly means so much as I kept wondering why I would receive praise from others, but not my husband. I would say things like, “how can you be a language man, but never give me words of praise?” or “if your mom was to build this, you would give her high praise, but why do you never say anything to me?”. His common words were “that’s nice” or “great”. I didn’t know all that was autism.
I wish I could give you a physical hug! I don’t have any words to add that haven’t already been said. And I know what despair, betrayal and sadness in relationships feels like. I have had you on my heart every day since you began to share this part of your journey with us. My heart hurts for you that you have to go through this period of feeling “lost” and I’m also encouraged as I see the journey of being “found” that you are now on.
I rejoice that you have Jesus to lean on and to heal this brokenness. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being vulnerable and sharing your struggles with us and exposing them to the Light. Someone said to me at a time of brokenness in my life, the only way out is through. You have taken “the road less traveled” in being courageous and confronting rather than denying and stuffing under addiction or some other way of coping. I know the road you are on is not the easy one, and I also know you will get through this and break new ground. For yourself, your children, your husband AND for the many others learning from your struggle. Our God is the God of Divine Reversals 🙂 God bless you and sustain you with Hope! Much Love ❤️
Reading your words means more than you’ll ever know. Yes, finding me again, learning how to better guide my children, and trying to glean what I can is important. While I move on, JC needs to do this for himself first, but also for his children. It’s no way to live a lie.
Neurodiverse marriages don’t work nor do marriages where both people are on the spectrum. This is a major burden that God us not the author of, and there is no blessing in the marriage itself overall between the two. God does bless with the children you may have. Generally speaking a marriage where one or both people are on the spectrum is almost the opposite of what God intends. There may be few exceptions to that rule but overall with little to no empathy, little demonstrated change in a positive direction for a duration, and a gross lack of mutuality, the marriage union is toxic.
I’m not sure if you’re basing this on proven research or opinion, but I politely disagree. As a woman in a neurodiverse relationship as well as a mother of neurodiverse children AND also understanding my own neuroscience, there is not one person who is “normal”. They key to any healthy relationship is communication, understanding, patience, and love. Your basis that God did not intend such things is not Scripture-based in any form. Plus, there is weighted evidence in relation to neurodiversity that with learning/coaching, any relationship can work if it suits the parties involved. Additionally, with the growing awareness of ASD and the like, there are couples flourishing and living a happy “neurodivergent” life. They key is all involved must be willing to learn. For instance, this interview HERE.
I would like to reply to Sarah. First, Sarah I validate that if this has been your experience of pain and lack of reciprocity and compassion, I hear you and am so sorry for what you may have experienced. However, I am a coach that solely works with neurodiverse couples where one or both partners are ADHD or on the Autism spectrum and I respectfully have to disagree of how you have characterized all people with autism or neurodivergences or differences. We must separate autism (wiring) from character (willingness to grow and change), pride or arrogance that may be coupled with wrong marriage theology (where black and white thinkers can get stuck in bad teaching or empowered by legalistic elders or pastors). While success rates and mutual satisfaction is harder to come by in ND marriages, what I see is when both people accept the diagnosis/label, both people are willing to learn and grow, both people are willing to lay down bad marriage teaching, and both people are willing to create a mutually satisfying ND marriage it can be done. It is a slow process and there is a lot of support needed, but there is hope. I also see that this is harder for older couples but younger couples who start out knowing about their wiring differences are doing much better as sometimes the pain the trauma is in the not knowing and the unwillingness for the autistic person to accept the diagnosis. Please consider this. We have written a book based on research and neuroscience and couples’ experiences to launch soon called Uniquely Us: Gracefully Navigating the Maze of NeuroDiverse Marriage which expounds upon this more. Difficult or complex does not have to be less than- but it takes BOTH spouses doing their work.
Larissa and Stephanie,
I agree with where you are coming from and can see your perspective but I don’t agree with the solutions 100%. Before I say anything, I want to first say that when I read your experience, Larissa, I could empathize as I have gone through something similar, though not exactly the same, and I could feel your pain through your post. This answer is in no way an attack, but I have anger about the unnecessary pain that a lot of these relationships create ASD-ND and ASD-ASD. The research does show that the divorce rate is around 80% and it would be higher, especially if the one party who is just holding on with white knuckles just gave up (usually this is the woman). It has created such confusion in my life that I have felt on the brink of going mad, and the only One who has saved me is Jesus Christ. He does not like this dynamic, but to Him, the individual is more important than the marriage, even though He hates divorce-He hates the violence done by either one spouse to another or both to each other-the lack of true love and regard for one another that can create something beautiful-This is in any marriage where things are not the way they should be. Also, you are right in saying if both parties put serious work into fixing the marriage and they also need to both be REGENERATED by the Holy Spirit for this to work and have something healthy and good. God led me to the Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick which opened my eyes to the heart of God in these types of situations. I think most people who have spent tireless hours seeking answers have heard of her before. She also addresses situations where people are married to those with ASD who refuse to repent and gives options that leave you with the choice to stay well (with boundaries in place if you can ), leave, or if spouse(s) repent, have something wonderful. Stephanie, I have also listened to your podcasts with your husband, and I can see your success story. I can also tell that he is a born -again Christian with a heart for God and for you-just in the video. This is not the case for many people and general, and for a lot of people in the ASD marriage dynamic. I have done my research -Bible first and foremost and everything is weighed against this. I understand that if both people are willing to seek the Lord, and really work hard there can be success. Also, in the Bible God does lay out the framework for a healthy, passionate marriage. He doesn’t give two different roads-one for a neurodiverse marriage with a lack of passion and one for the neurotypical filled with passion. The withholding problem is really the problem. Song of Solomon is a portrayal of the deep love that the maiden and Shulamite have for and WITH each other which is supposed to show us all what we can have if we love deeply. How about the charge of husbands to love your wives as Christ loves the church. That is very high calling and command for every man who marries. That is a deep love. If these marriages are to survive, there has to be a willingness to love your wife (and wives loving husbands) 2nd to God and putting God first (not video games, special interests, etc), and 3rd-not holding a record of wrongs-which many do. I also hate the labels and wish that we could all look at this from the standpoint of “stop being a withholder” emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Otherwise, the marriage will die and not be what God wanted. In my case, I have made the decision to separate when my kids get to 18 since my situation is toxic and I hope they will understand and know that this is not what I ever wanted for them as an example of marriage.
You and I are in the exact same boat. I gave JC time to make effort and after that chose to separate and also reach a dissolution because he chose to do nothing. I adore Leslie Vernick and reference her in my posts here as she and others have been immensely helpful in my healing from this relationship as well as coming to the understanding that I was raised by a covert narcissist which is why I chose someone on the spectrum (more to come on that later). I am with you also 100% and have said in my videos that God loves me more than my marriage and I was at a such a rough point that I wasn’t seeing that because of people saying, as a Christian, I need to try harder, pray more, have sex more. etc. I was dying a very slow death. I am praying for you. However, Dr. Holmes herself and others are finding their way because BOTH in the marriage are doing their part. I was/am alone in my efforts and will no longer pour myself into an endless abyss of pain. Here’s to finding ourselves! Your children will see and reap from your healing.
Sarah, I validate the pain and insanity that can happen in these relationships so please do not think I am arguing that point. In my first post to you, my biggest issue is categorizing “all autistics” or “all neurodiverse” marriages in an “othering” or us vs them kind of way. We have enough division in this world and as Christians we can heal the divide versus adding to the division. I love Leslie Vernick’s work and agree with her work and what you have mentioned. We validate all you have said in chapters 12 and 13 in our new Uniquely Us and Leslie Vernick endorsed our book and she and her publisher allowed us to reprint the signs of a destructive marriage. There is no excuse for abuse- not even a label or diagnosis. When abuse enters the picture that is never okay- I would never excuse abuse for any reason. Our new book talk about this we first state the research of the marriages, what can change if both parties do the work, then sadly the high abuse rate in Christian neurodiverse marriage when there is not repentance, regeneration and desire even to change and learn. https://www.christianneurodiversemarriage.com/uniquelyus
Hi Larissa,
Thank you so much for your reply! I re-read through your part 1 and part 2, and am on the verge of tears for the both of us. I am at a point where I have become more numb and hardened, another reason why I need to separate and/or divorce. I’m not in the position to leave the house now-we are housemates living in separate rooms, and this has been the case for the past 3.5 years. My daughter will graduate in 2 more years and my son in 5 years. I am not sure if I will make it 5 more years, but I will try. My husband doesn’t bother me most of the time, and is largely indifferent. Sometimes he will gaslight me (I know that for autistics that generally has more to do with loss of memory of an event or situation because they were not ATTENDING TO You), but in my husband’s case, there is some intentionality with being mean-spirited at times. Either way, there wasn’t enough emotional reciprocity and bonding to keep things healthy and now there is nothing. Anyway, I will pray for you as well. I do have some questions for you that you may feel more comfortable answering in an email, and not on your blog. I will reach out to you. I also posted with my middle name for confidentiality-my husband is on the internet and just wanted some anonymity. God bless you and I pray for your peace and care during this time in your life. I hope you are finding clarity and the weight has been lifted for you
I did send you an email, so check your inbox and spam. 🙂 You and I have a VERY similar story.
Stephanie,
I really appreciate you and the work you are doing. You are one of very few Christian women who give biblical and practical advice for people in these kinds of relationships that are not disheartening and make sense. I am not happy with the responses that Focus on the Family gives around this issue so I have come across videos from you, Jodi Carlton, and Sheila Wray Gregoire (you all referenced, and I have been listening to Sheila for the past year or so). I agree that both people have to work at it in order for there to be a chance at all-and that it is already hard enough when both are even putting forth the effort. Thank you for your encouragement and I hope you continue to offer hope to all of those struggling