Well, folks, it’s been one year post divorce next week.

There are anniversary dates that many look forward to, however, some anniversaries are loathsome.

I have many of the latter, unfortunately. November alone is when I nearly died while pregnant with my 2nd baby and just moved into a new home, then my stillborn daughter arrived, my 6th child, and, honestly, so much more.

Already October has already been a heavy one this year for many reasons, including this anniversary of my dead marriage being solidified. And there is much to celebrate this month too.

Mind you, I knew the marriage was dead much sooner, but I was high on hopium. You can read my past Life Updates HERE.

After one year post divorce write-up is for me and for the one who is walking this same path or has all the twists and turns of this path memorized already.

*do note this may be triggering to you if you can relate.

DISSOLVING

The day of the dissolution hearing came like the heaviness of lead on my shoulders. To prepare for the day, I went and purchased a thrifted outfit, shoes and all, so that I would never see it again.

Also, we were required by the state to attend a meeting on parenting kids during/after divorce. It was he and I and another couple also getting a dissolution.

Not fun.

On the hearing day, we both drive to courthouse separately, though we left from the same house.

Talk about ODD.

I arrive first – I’m always early to everything. If I’m not early, I’m dead.

Then, he walks in and we stand there silent waiting for the judge to arrive.

In the courtroom, there was a long ramp down to two desks outfitted with microphones that sit in front of the judge’s desk high on a platform.

Also, off to the side of the judge is a desk with computers for the bailiff.

We take our seats, answer questions while I bite back tears.

In FIFTEEN MINUTES, what I poured my heart into for over 30 years was GONE.

As we walk out of the courthouse and head outside. I pause to speak to him what I could eek out.

“Please, do something”.

His reply, “I will”

My request was that he would look into autism not only for himself but for the sake of our children who are also on the spectrum.

BEGINNING ALONE

For the first two months of this one year post divorce, we continued to live together as he had not made any effort prior to find a home.

Thankfully, he found someplace quickly and closed on the house quickly as well and it’s not far from the kids.

This all happened just after Christmas and before the new year. At the same time, my oldest moved out, so I had two adult children and my former spouse move out all within six months.

Talk about CHANGE.

If you recall, I continued to sleep in the closet as I had done for almost three years. The bedroom he left behind was a mess and I had too many trauma memories from being in there.

So, I let my younger son move into the space while I redecorated his room.

Then, after a few months, I made it my own – see HERE.

I’ll be honest and say that the first six months were HARD.

Not only, did I have to jump into a new world, but so did my children.

At this point I try to keep things in a normal schedule for them because their special needs require it as well. And I will say they are a HUGE help and blessing to me as well.

Homeschooling was tough and I’m glad we could all try to piece together what we could.

PAINFUL RELIEF

Deep breath.

To not have to worry about the triggering footsteps, the planning to be out of a space before he shows up, to make excuses to the kids for why he wasn’t there for dinner – SURREAL.

This part is hard to write…

While I intensely DREADED the first evening, even weekend, when the loves of my life would no longer be under my roof – I felt a queer relief.

A relief that brought guilt. I would be in the darkness at night in the house for most of the time initially.

I didn’t want to be seen, and I have done that for most of my childhood as well being raised by a narcissist mother. She would make fun of me for walking in the dark.

As I mention in my previous post, I couldn’t even sit down to relax without feeling guilt. That’s all a part of abuse.

I didn’t know what to do with myself without having to micromanage everyone’s needs and making sure “stuff” was taken care of.

In the past I always wondered how a “normal” family had free time.

This was what it felt like.

It’s SO VERY HARD to have peace in the doing “nothing”, if I even knew what that was at that point.

One of the very first things I did was go out to eat at a restaurant on my own during this one year post divorce.

I’ve never been afraid to do that, just didn’t allow myself the luxury – as if I didn’t deserve a break.

MOVING FORWARD

Now, after a year later, I can say immense learning and changes for my children and myself are occurring.

First, I no longer feel the need to hardcore research narcissism or autism. Yes, I still keep learning, but the angst is dramatically less.

That alone is a sign I am HEALING.

What is more, I can now happily sit down and watch a movie or read a book by myself and have no guilt or have to be doing something else while doing it.

I’ve learned to catch myself before oversharing when anyone lends an ear AND I can call BS faster than lightning when someone is trying to manipulate or gaslight me.

God IS WORKING in every facet of my life – even when I feel He is silent.

It’s usually me that needs to quiet my heart and be still.

Now not only do I allow myself time to do something I want, it’s also no longer forced.

BONUS – my kids are embracing their new discoveries on themselves with autism and ADHD.

That alone is HUGE for me.

MY HEART

A week or so ago, I pulled a new-to-the-library book off the shelf written by Penn Holderness called, “ADHD is Awesome“. I literally got it for me hoping that I could do a quick read and get it again sometime in the future.

What I also hoped is that my kids would pick it up and take a gander.

One evening while sitting on the sofa together, unbeknownst to me, my youngest had this particular book in hand and was reading (she ALWAYS has a book in her hands).

She pipes up with chuckle… “I can see me in this”.

While holding back tears, my heart leaps as she made the connection HERSELF.

ADHD, autism, and AuDHD (autism with ADHD) all are a part of my family’s world like it or not. And in this last several years, our world has been rocked and we’re moving on together.

Not only that but having to go no contact with my side of the family (in general) is also something immense we’re dealing with.

And yet, we are moving forward in many facets.

NOT ALONE

In addition to growing in understanding and healing with my children, you… my readers are growing with me too in this one year post divorce.

Ever so many of you are reaching out with your own stories and awakening moments to your own life’s journey. What a blessing to know I’m not alone, though I wish this on NO ONE.

Having to let go of what I hoped my spouse and parent would be is a death that only someone who’s lived it can understand.

At the same time, allowing myself forgiveness for picking a spouse/father to my children, that would cause such upheaval as well as the guilt of not knowing I have been abused all my life.

Those hindsight 20/20 glasses are set aside, and my eyes are fixed on breaking generational trauma and focusing on strength despite my funky wiring.

What is more, my understanding of how I was abused within the church has broadened and I KNOW that God sees 100% value in the female ME.

I am not less because I am not a male.

My value is beyond understanding. And so is YOURS.

I thank you for bearing with me as I know my content has taken a twist or two to a different path. I look forward to building Livin’ Real with Larissa every day and am excited for what’s to come.

Rest assured I have much more to share with you when the timing is right.

Until then, I invite you to share this post with others and I adore your comment love.

Thank you for being an ear.

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